By Miral Fatima, Mussarat Ziaee                                                                                          September 23, 2025

Parents often wonder: Is it bad to keep saying “good job” to my child? Could this make them too dependent on praise? What should I say instead if I want to encourage my child? These are important questions because while praise feels positive, it can unintentionally create anxiety and people-pleasing tendencies. In Montessori, we shift from generic praise to more meaningful feedback. 

In many classrooms and homes, we’re quick to say “Good job!” when a child completes a task. While it seems encouraging, this type of praise can unintentionally create pressure, anxiety, or even depression later in life. When children constantly rely on approval from adults to feel successful, they may become people-pleasers, afraid of making mistakes, or anxious about whether their efforts will be noticed. Over time, this can erode confidence and intrinsic motivation, leaving them dependent on others for validation rather than developing self-assurance.

Montessori philosophy offers a healthier approach, that fosters independence, confidence, and intrinsic motivation. The key lies in specific, thoughtful observation rather than generic praise. Here are three Montessori-inspired strategies that nurture both learning and emotional well-being:

1. Observe and Describe

Rather than saying “Good job,” describe exactly what the child did.

Example: “You poured the water without spilling.”

Example: “You folded the cloth neatly by yourself.”

This helps children focus on their own actions and accomplishments instead of worrying about whether someone else will approve. It builds a sense of mastery and satisfaction that comes from within, reducing anxiety tied to external evaluation.

2. Naming the Skill or Quality

Highlighting a specific skill or quality teaches children to recognize their own strengths.

Example: “You were very patient while waiting your turn.”
Example: “You were very careful with the paint.”

By naming skills and qualities, children internalize positive traits and develop resilience. They learn to trust themselves and take pride in effort, which can protect against low self-esteem and depressive feelings that often arise from constant comparison to others.

3. Highlighting Independence

Montessori education emphasizes autonomy and self-directed learning.

Example: “You put all the toys back in their places by yourself!”

Example: “You solved that problem without asking for help.”

When children see that they are capable of achieving tasks independently, they feel competent and secure. This sense of agency reduces anxiety around performance and builds confidence that carries into adulthood.

The Bottom Line

When we move away from generic praise like “Good job” and toward observation, skill-naming, and independence-focused feedback, we help children grow into confident, self-motivated learners. They develop pride in their own efforts, learn to trust themselves, and are less likely to experience the anxiety or depression that can come from constant reliance on external approval.

In Islam

In Islam, we’re taught to do good deeds for the sake of Allah (ikhlaṣ), not for people’s praise. The Prophet ﷺ warned against riya’ (showing off), where a person seeks approval or admiration from others instead of being sincere.

For example:

• A child who grows up always hearing “good job” may learn to act mainly for human praise.
  
  

• Similarly, in our religion, if someone prays, gives charity, or learns Qur’an just for others to say “masha’Allah, you’re so good,” they miss the deeper satisfaction of doing it for Allah.
  
  

Instead, Islam encourages us to be mindful of intention (niyyah) and to act sincerely and find peace in knowing that Allah sees our efforts, even if people don’t notice. This mirrors the Montessori idea of praising effort, independence, and sincerity rather than attaching worth only to external validation.